26 July, 2014
To be honest, I feel VERY furious while writing this. My family members (especially the ones on top of the "organisation chart") has the tendency to make false assumptions about me with the things I do.
Just because I am using the computer doesn't mean that I am playing computer games. Just because I am downloading files does not mean that I am downloading computer games. Just because I want to go to a convention does not mean that I want to play computer games there. Just because I am visiting a friend does not mean I am going there to play computer games. You getting the trend of where this is going yet? No? Congratulations. You are just like "the people" that I speak of. Here's a few scenarios of what I mean.
Scenario A: Rubin is editing a video for school purposes.
"STOP PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES RIGHT NOW!"
Scenario B: Rubin is downloading motion backgrounds and After Effect templates for school video purposes.
"ARE YOU DOWNLOADING COMPUTER GAMES? WHY ARE YOU DOWNLOADING COMPUTER GAMES?"
Scenario C: Rubin is talking about a convention to meet some famous people.
"HOW MANY HOURS ARE YOU SPENDING PLAYING VIDEO GAMES? ARE YOU STAYING UP LATE TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES? IF NOT WHY DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A CONVENTION WHERE PEOPLE PLAY GAMES FOR 10 HOURS?"
(In my defense, the convention DOES NOT provide 10-hour-gaming-service.)
Scenario D: A pop-up advertisement of computer games appears out of now-where on the screen.
"ARE YOU DOWNLOADING COMPUTER GAMES?"
You know what's the worst part of all this is? It's that nobody cares. Nobody in this world cares that deep in my heart I feel hurt, I feel betrayed by the people closest to me, I feel alone, I feel isolated. How many people are actually currently reading this? Probably less than 5.
Like I said, nobody cares. That's why I prefer talking to myself than to other people. That's why I like to be all alone and anti-social. Nobody knows what it feels like to be me. Nobody ever cares. The only person that actually knows how I feel is me.
And I know there's probably people saying: "I've been through **** worse than this. Go **** yourself!" Well, thank you for being the jerk of the year. Maybe after that I can finally have the courage to jump out of the window from a 10-storey building.
Just joking, I'm not that crazy and desperate yet. But I sure am damn close to getting to that kind of mental state. Still, nobody cares, so I guess still nobody would care if I really killed myself, but I won't do that.
Maybe after a few more holes through my heart I would, but right now I won't. I give you my word, but nobody cares. Even me myself doesn't really care about myself sometimes, so I doubt anyone would care...
Maybe I'll make more posts like this one. Ones that are more private-styled. This IS just the tip of the iceberg, though. There's still plenty of holes in my heart I've never talked about. Probably won't talk about them in the near future though, but nobody cares if I ever talk about them...
10 July, 2014
You know (I'm saying 'you' like someone's actually going to read this...), I find that I lack stuff in my little puny life. Let's see... : Persistance, Diligence, Social Life, Mental Stability, but most importantly, Self Confidence.
I've went through times this year where my self confidence was put to the test, but failed... Here's an example:
Task A is your average task with an average reward and has an average difficulty; Task B is a high caliber task (did I spell that wrong?) with an extremely great reward and of course a somewhat high difficulty. My heart goes "Do Task B! It's going to be a great experience!" and I actually agree with it (not something you see everyday). And then my brain HAD to interfere and goes "Well if you screw it up you're as good as dead, guy! Take the easy way out and do Task A!".
This lead me to a dilemma. Do I follow my heart, or follow my brain? Both of them made me do countless things in the past I regret which I wish not to speak about, ever (maybe someday I will...). I had to give an answer in like 5 seconds so my self confidence got me. I followed my brain.
Was it a bad decision? I don't know. You regret it yet? Too early to tell, to be honest. And this kind of stuff happened to me at least twice this year. Sigh... The eternal conflict between my brain and my heart goes on... Let's just see what happens in the future I guess, it's not like I can travel back into time to change anything. Even if I can, the paradoxes that could happen could just end space and time as we know it.
Can I talk about the things my heart wanted and made me regret my decision forever? Nah.... That's too much information for the 0 number of people who would actually read until this paragraph...
If you did read till here give me a comment! :)
Thanks for reading. Back to being the mentally-unstable, anti-social, can't-record-any-Youtube-videos-since-reasons, still-talking-to-himself, crazy Rubin I guess...